oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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