Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
