I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
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