sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
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