I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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