Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
