It's a beautiful day for a hangover
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
We're too hungover to prance.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
