oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
