mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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