So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
