how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Randomize
