I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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