My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
