I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
