Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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