Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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