made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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