the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
then he tried to convert me to islam
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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