I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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