we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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