can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
