OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
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