how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
