ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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