not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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