what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
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