im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
