He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Randomize
