were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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