the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
