goodnight i made you a song goodbye
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
