i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
