i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
