I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
