the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
