I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
