I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
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