he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
