Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
