i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
