In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
