Having a random hookup so left but love u
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
