Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
