I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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