She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
