Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
