It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
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He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
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Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize