He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
