Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Just invented taco cereal.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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