Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Be still, my beating vagina.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
