What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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