I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
