After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Randomize
