Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
