she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Actions speak louder than pants.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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