I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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