I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
