Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
