She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I could fuck to npr.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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