so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
