I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
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I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
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She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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